Here are some horoscopes for the week starting 20th February 2006. I think I have a natural gift to share with the world:
Aries March 21-April 19
You may see a squirrel this week. Don’t worry, you’re not hallucinating: everyone sees them. If it looks to be carrying a briefcase and riding a moped then you should see a doctor.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Taurean’s shouldn’t go into china shops often, but Wednesday in particular would be a bad time to venture into one.
Gemini May 21-June 21
You may find you end the week with fewer legs than you started with, but don’t be too concerned as Pluto’s ascendence over March will help any missing limbs grow back.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Cancer could learn a lot from its symbol ‘the crab’ this week as shuffling sideways may help you get onto that crowded bus and prevent you missing a meeting.
Leo July 23-August 22
You may be prone to losing things this week. On Friday, your keys will either be on the dining room table or have fallen out of your pocket onto the sofa.
Virgo August 23-September 22
During a visit to a jewellry shop, be wary of a man in a mask shouting ‘Eat lead, motherf****r’: he means you no good.
Libra September 23-October 22
Someone will ask you to lend them a book this week. Things will be better for everyone if you point out you’re a Libran not a Librarian.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
The US trade deficit with China is going to weigh upon your mind this week. Pak choi and noodles should be off the menu if you want to sleep easy.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
You may end up visiting your daughter this week, if she’s had her boiler fixed. You don’t want to have to stay in Edinburgh with no heating so if she hasn’t gotten round to it, I’d consider cancelling now.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
With such a long time until your next birthday, plus the fact that everyone buys you combined birthday and christmas presents, this is a particular depressing time of year for Capricorn. Sorry, I can’t help there. Blame your parents.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
Someone will try to keep fish in you this week. Things will be better for everyone if you point out you’re an Aquarian not an Aquarium.
Pisces February 19-March 20
It’s a wise person who knows that February is not the time to be eating ice cream outdoors, and you’d do well to heed this advice during the week. On Saturday, however, you can go wild and eat all the ice cream you like.