Month: March 2006

Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 20th March 2006:

Aries March 21-April 19

If you’re having guests around in the second half of the week make sure you clean up all the crips crumbs which are all down the sides of the sofa. It’s not pleasant to sit down with a crunch.

Taurus April 20-May 20

If you happen to play for Sunderland Football Club, this would be a good time to start looking ahead to the summer transfer window. If you live in Sunderland, move.

Gemini May 21-June 21

The clocks going forward on Sunday will be especially confusing this year, and you’ll feel even more cheated out of that hour of sleep than usual. Think of it as a savings account where you get the hour back in October and it won’t seem to bad.

Cancer June 22-July 22

You may wake up on Tuesday not knowing where you are. Hopefully it’s just temporary and you’re not a kidnap victim, but don’t get into any strange cars on Monday night just to be sure.

Leo July 23-August 22

It’ll be one of those weeks where you find out lots of interesting facts, but somehow when you tell them to other people they won’t sound so interesting any more and everyone will just stand around in an uncomfortable silence.

Virgo August 23-September 22

Brighten up a dull week by winding up a builder. Tell him you want something like a cross between a pergola and a conservatory, and ask him to quote for building a purgatory on the back of your house.

Libra September 23-October 22

It’ll be one of those weeks where you hear lots of good jokes, but somehow when you tell them to other people they won’t find them quite so funny and everyone will just stand around in an uncomfortable silence. Try not to get stuck in a conversation with a Leo at a party because you’re both on a “crash and burn” type week.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You’ll remember it’s Mother’s Day on Saturday night when it’s too late to do much about it. Even this reminder won’t help much, you’re that disorganised.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

Try not to do any of the following activities in a particularly accident-prone week: skydiving, bear-baiting, lion-taming, beekeeping, sudoko.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Try not to get pregnant this week as any baby will have a birthday far to close to Christmas and you know all too well how annoying that is.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

By Thursday, you’ll probably start hearing the phrase “But didn’t you spend last night watching football?”. If you’re a female then you may find yourself saying this phrase.

Pisces February 19-March 20

You may learn on Tuesday that your front room is on a public footpath and you’ll have to let people with beards, walking boots and anoraks through the front room while you’re trying to watch telly. It’s probably best just to move the telly.

Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 13th March 2006:

Aries March 21-April 19

On Friday you’ll be thinking about taking a cheap city break. Thoughts of Paris will make you wonder why they didn’t realise how much of a laughing stock they would be when they built the Blackpool Tower.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Try not to sleep with your mouth open this week as it’s an open invite to the spiders in your bedroom. Maybe it’s best not to think about it. You may also have trouble sleeping now.

Gemini May 21-June 21

Don’t forget to watch ‘The Apprentice’ on BBC2 on Wednesday as everyone in the office will be talking about it on Thursday and you don’t want to be left out.

Cancer June 22-July 22

You may find your eyes change colour on Wednesday. This is quite unusual for anybody but it’s going to be especially weird if it really does happen to 1/12th of the world’s population.

Leo July 23-August 22

You’ll have a sneaking suspicion that somebody’s got it in for you this week. Never trust a sneaking suspicion as they are, by definition, sneaky. Only trust honest suspicions from now on.

Virgo August 23-September 22

Towards the end of the week you’ll have trouble getting really comfy on the sofa. Somehow, the cushions are just going to be all wrong but don’t worry as this won’t last much past Saturday.

Libra September 23-October 22

You’ve got a lot of work to do this week so probably shouldn’t be wasting the time by reading horoscopes. Although, if this advice makes any difference then maybe the time is well spent. Life’s full of contradictions like that.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You’ll walk past at least three people in the street called Roger this week, although you won’t know who they are. Rogers are often like that.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You should vow not to do anything by halves this week, unless you’re a football player or work behind a bar or do any kind of job which requires accurate, equal subdivisions.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Don’t let a door-to-door salesman convince you to change electricity supplier this week. It will only save about 20p per year and you’ll feel like a utility whore for switching so often and being pursuaded so easily.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

For the first half of the week Osiris will be your favourite Egyptian god, but in the second half of the week you’re likely to switch to Horus. Worshipping Ra is just to mainstream for the independent thinking Aquarian.

Pisces February 19-March 20

On Wednesday you’ll go to work and for some reason think it’s Thursday. When someone reminds you it isn’t try not to act too disappointed, especially if your boss is around. On the bright side, ‘The Apprentice’ is on BBC tonight.

Why go to a pound shop when you can save a penny by going to the 99p shop instead? Just think how the savings add up – buy 99 crap things, get 1 free.