Category: Funny

Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 13th March 2006:

Aries March 21-April 19

On Friday you’ll be thinking about taking a cheap city break. Thoughts of Paris will make you wonder why they didn’t realise how much of a laughing stock they would be when they built the Blackpool Tower.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Try not to sleep with your mouth open this week as it’s an open invite to the spiders in your bedroom. Maybe it’s best not to think about it. You may also have trouble sleeping now.

Gemini May 21-June 21

Don’t forget to watch ‘The Apprentice’ on BBC2 on Wednesday as everyone in the office will be talking about it on Thursday and you don’t want to be left out.

Cancer June 22-July 22

You may find your eyes change colour on Wednesday. This is quite unusual for anybody but it’s going to be especially weird if it really does happen to 1/12th of the world’s population.

Leo July 23-August 22

You’ll have a sneaking suspicion that somebody’s got it in for you this week. Never trust a sneaking suspicion as they are, by definition, sneaky. Only trust honest suspicions from now on.

Virgo August 23-September 22

Towards the end of the week you’ll have trouble getting really comfy on the sofa. Somehow, the cushions are just going to be all wrong but don’t worry as this won’t last much past Saturday.

Libra September 23-October 22

You’ve got a lot of work to do this week so probably shouldn’t be wasting the time by reading horoscopes. Although, if this advice makes any difference then maybe the time is well spent. Life’s full of contradictions like that.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You’ll walk past at least three people in the street called Roger this week, although you won’t know who they are. Rogers are often like that.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You should vow not to do anything by halves this week, unless you’re a football player or work behind a bar or do any kind of job which requires accurate, equal subdivisions.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Don’t let a door-to-door salesman convince you to change electricity supplier this week. It will only save about 20p per year and you’ll feel like a utility whore for switching so often and being pursuaded so easily.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

For the first half of the week Osiris will be your favourite Egyptian god, but in the second half of the week you’re likely to switch to Horus. Worshipping Ra is just to mainstream for the independent thinking Aquarian.

Pisces February 19-March 20

On Wednesday you’ll go to work and for some reason think it’s Thursday. When someone reminds you it isn’t try not to act too disappointed, especially if your boss is around. On the bright side, ‘The Apprentice’ is on BBC tonight.

Why go to a pound shop when you can save a penny by going to the 99p shop instead? Just think how the savings add up – buy 99 crap things, get 1 free.

Hopefully Orvil will pass it on to Keith Harris:

Horoscopes for the week starting 27th February 2006:

Aries March 21-April 19

On Tuesday you may have pasta. Usually, you make too much pasta, but be careful that this week you don’t overcompensate and make too little.

Taurus April 20-May 20

If it rains, take an umbrella with you to prevent you getting too wet, particularly on Thursday.

Gemini May 21-June 21

All Gemini’s have an evil twin in a parallel universe. Make sure you don’t ‘do a Star Trek’ this week and cross over into that universe or all your friends here will be really upset.

Cancer June 22-July 22

Many people think you should lighten up, but believe me when I say that putting a sign above your desk saying “You don’t have to be made to work here, but it helps” isn’t going to fool anybody.

Leo July 23-August 22

You may have difficulty distinguishing Marxists from Fascists this week which is a common problem. Try not to elect any state premiers on Tuesday.

Virgo August 23-September 22

You may inherit a profitable chocolate empire this week, just make sure you don’t eat the profits.

Libra September 23-October 22

Make sure your computer antivirus is up-to-date this week and don’t open any dodgy attachments, or look at dubious web pages with horoscopes. Ooops, too late…

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

It’s one of those weeks where the toast pops up either slightly too early or slightly too late. You may also have trouble getting the shower to exactly the right temperature.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You may be especially depressed about your starsign sounding a little bit like an Italian meal this week. Try resolving the issue once and for all by writing to Sainsbury’s asking them to produce centaur shaped spaghetti.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

You’ll lose faith in horoscopes this week so there’s no real point in me writing anything. Come back next week when you’ve seen the error of your ways.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

You’ve no more birthdays this year, and Christmas is ten months away. Bummer. At least the clocks are changing soon.

Pisces February 19-March 20

If it hasn’t just been your birthday, it will be during the next three weeks or so. Now go and tell your friends how you’ve found the most uncannily accurate horoscopes ever.

Those birds should listen to their mothers:

Here are some horoscopes for the week starting 20th February 2006. I think I have a natural gift to share with the world:

Aries March 21-April 19

You may see a squirrel this week. Don’t worry, you’re not hallucinating: everyone sees them. If it looks to be carrying a briefcase and riding a moped then you should see a doctor.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Taurean’s shouldn’t go into china shops often, but Wednesday in particular would be a bad time to venture into one.

Gemini May 21-June 21

You may find you end the week with fewer legs than you started with, but don’t be too concerned as Pluto’s ascendence over March will help any missing limbs grow back.

Cancer June 22-July 22

Cancer could learn a lot from its symbol ‘the crab’ this week as shuffling sideways may help you get onto that crowded bus and prevent you missing a meeting.

Leo July 23-August 22

You may be prone to losing things this week. On Friday, your keys will either be on the dining room table or have fallen out of your pocket onto the sofa.

Virgo August 23-September 22

During a visit to a jewellry shop, be wary of a man in a mask shouting ‘Eat lead, motherf****r’: he means you no good.

Libra September 23-October 22

Someone will ask you to lend them a book this week. Things will be better for everyone if you point out you’re a Libran not a Librarian.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

The US trade deficit with China is going to weigh upon your mind this week. Pak choi and noodles should be off the menu if you want to sleep easy.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

You may end up visiting your daughter this week, if she’s had her boiler fixed. You don’t want to have to stay in Edinburgh with no heating so if she hasn’t gotten round to it, I’d consider cancelling now.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

With such a long time until your next birthday, plus the fact that everyone buys you combined birthday and christmas presents, this is a particular depressing time of year for Capricorn. Sorry, I can’t help there. Blame your parents.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

Someone will try to keep fish in you this week. Things will be better for everyone if you point out you’re an Aquarian not an Aquarium.

Pisces February 19-March 20

It’s a wise person who knows that February is not the time to be eating ice cream outdoors, and you’d do well to heed this advice during the week. On Saturday, however, you can go wild and eat all the ice cream you like.

But it remains to be seen whether the cloud of uncertainty currently plaguing their build-up will dog their vision on the track.

Does uncertainty come in clouds? Do clouds generally go round plaguing things? Do clouds ‘dog’ anything?

From an article on the BBC site about Renault’s Formula 1 prospects in 2006.

We all recognise this situation: