Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 22nd May 2006:
Aries March 21-April 19
You haven’t made enough arbitrary decisions lately, so now is the week to catch up. A few unjustifiable radical changes should go down really well with those around you.
Taurus April 20-May 20
On Monday you’ll lose 1p, on Tuesday 2p, on Wednesday 4p, on Thursday 8p, and so on. You’d better stop being so careless otherwise you’ll go completely broke before the end of next month.
Gemini May 21-June 21
Remember, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. That’s no reason to enter a radioactive chamber without a suit on, however. (I think the horoscope for ‘Gemini’ may have got mixed up with ‘Vulcan’ this week.)
Cancer June 22-July 22
This week might be a bit disappointing, like the feeling you get when your ice cream falls out of its cone onto the pavement.
Leo July 23-August 22
The secret of making money? Put a five pound note in your pocket, and when you take it out you’ll find it in creases. Try that joke on a friend.
Virgo August 23-September 22
If you have vertigo, you may be able to cure it by looking up. After all, it’s the same distance to the sky as it is from the sky to the ground. Not so frightening now, is it?
Libra September 23-October 22
The coming weekend may be an excellent time to do some tiling in the bathroom especially if Uranus is aligned with the toilet.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
On Tuesday you’ll see a really small dog playing with a really big dog and wondering how on earth they both know they’re from the same species. Imagine playing with a hundred foot person? How weird would that be?
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Nobody likes a crybaby, although it’s a good way to get attention. You’ll need it come Thursday so scream your heart out and see if anybody notices. Wearing a nappy would be a step too far, however.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Many people hate Mondays, but Tuesday has never been your favourite day of the week. Why not liven it up by renaming it Superday. See what a difference it makes already?
Aquarius January 20-February 18
If only everything lived up to expectations: a ‘crash course’ will not, in fact, teach you how to crash anything, and ‘regular’ in Starbucks is what used to be called ‘small’.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Resist the temptation to work late this week, it’s just not worth it. You might like to consider outsourcing your whole job to southeast asia and just taking a cut for yourself. (This may be difficult if you’re a milkman.)